I was ugly crying because my computer wouldn’t charge when it hit me. I was so ugly crying that I woke my lovely husband from his slumber (two rooms away?!) while I tried to teach an early morning private via zoom. My computer in it’s wisdom, just wouldn’t switch on and so I had to cancel. Well, my lovely (he really is lovely and while we’ve had moments of murder, for the most part, we are doing okay) husband took over and re-organised my day, put me to bed with tea and asked me if I wanted to watch Friends. How TRULY wonderful is this man?! Now, I’ve seen the posts (which I have now begun to limit because the internet can be overwhelming and I have VERY FRAGILE days. Do you? Do you need to set a limit?). I’m aware of the spousal abuse and the relationships and marriages that are on the rocks, the homeless people, the rubbish pickers, the people walking their dogs etc dear God help us all not to be wankers, due to ten days alone with each other, with or without children in the mix. So I both count my blessings and pray. I have taken my time to process and have finally come to this:
One of my blessings is you, you beautiful community of Yogis. I brought my grief to the group (the class I was teaching a couple of days later), after becoming aware of what I was processing. Lovely Sandi pointed out that there are five stages to grief. I looked it up and by Jove, she was right!
The 5 stages of grief and loss are: 1. Denial and isolation; (I think we can all agree that the isolation part was taken care of for us and the Denial was heavily felt by the dog walkers and those who do their lock down shopping at their leisure with no form of protection whatsoever, in fact, let me page through this magazine while I ignore the 1 meter of personal space?! WT actual F?! Which brings us to .) 2. Anger (we saw this when the parks, the booze and the ciggies were taken away) ; 3. Bargaining; (Again, parks, booze and ciggies) 4. Depression; (again parks booze and ciggies) 5. Acceptance. (Acceptance?)
Now this is the important part that Sandi pointed out: People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them. So my lovely husband has also had days where I steer clear, unless I want to consume my dinner through my neck (cos he’s bitten my head off….). We have been very lucky thus far to be on the see-saw together. Thank you Jezuz!
What’s helped me: I (we) am (are) in fact, not alone. WE are going through this together and we need to give each other and ourselves some room to feel how we feel. This is not a good time to want to pick a bone with someone, inside or outside your house without excellent reason. That’s not to say that if you are in close quarters with someone things (that may have needed attention for ages) are not going to come up or that you (usually a reasonable person?!) are not going to fly off the handle. They might and you could. But when you are calm again. (You will be) Be kind and remember you probably love the people you are with. And they love you. I mean probably…
We are all in various states/levels of intensity and TRAUMA. This is a GLOBAL pandemic. This is not the time to sweat the small stuff. Pick your battles, man.
What I am telling myself: I don’t have to cope all the time. I don’t have to be okay all the time. Take your time, you don’t have to be productive, this is, in fact an unlikely time to write a novel or make some lovely art. I mean you might and if you do, it will be glorious, but you don’t HAVE TO. Be curious about yourself. Be honest with yourself and be honest with D (husband). Most importantly: BE KIND to YOURSELF and be kind to D. Stella, you are going to be okay.
Next time: what are you grieving?